Boundaries: Learning to Stay Connected Without Losing Yourself

Boundaries are often described as knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no.” Although this can be part of setting boundaries, boundaries can be more complicated than simply deciding what we are or are not willing to do. For some people, setting boundaries can bring up feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, or responsibility for how another person may respond.

People who have grown up in relationships where their needs were dismissed, emotions were unpredictable, or conflict felt unsafe may have learned to focus on the needs and emotions of other people before considering their own. In these situations, a person may understand that they are allowed to say no, but may still find it difficult to actually do so.

From a trauma-informed and attachment-based perspective, these responses can be understood in relation to a person's previous experiences in relationships. Our early relationships can influence how we understand safety, trust, connection, independence, and what may happen when we express our needs. This does not mean that our childhood experiences determine how we will relate to others as adults. Rather, it can help explain why certain situations may feel more difficult and why developing new ways of responding can take time.

Boundaries During the Holiday Season

The holiday season can be a particularly difficult time for boundaries. For some people, the holidays are a time of connection and celebration. For others, family gatherings and increased social expectations can bring up stress, difficult memories, conflict, or feelings of obligation.

There can be many expectations around the holidays. We may feel that we should attend every gathering, visit every family member, buy gifts, participate in traditions, or make ourselves available to other people. It can be easy to become focused on what everyone else needs and lose track of our own capacity.

Family relationships can make this more complicated. A boundary that may feel relatively easy to set with a friend or coworker can feel much more difficult with a parent, sibling, partner, or other family member. There may be a long history within these relationships, and saying no can bring up some of the same feelings that made boundaries difficult in the past.

Setting boundaries during the holiday season does not mean that you do not care about your family or friends. It can mean recognizing your own limits and finding ways to participate that are manageable for you. This might mean deciding how long you will stay at a gathering, choosing not to discuss certain topics, limiting the number of events you attend, or taking some time for yourself between social activities.

It can be helpful to think about boundaries before the holidays become too busy. You might ask yourself:

• What activities do I actually want to participate in?

• What do I have the capacity for this year?

• Are there people or situations that tend to be particularly difficult for me?

• Are there topics that I do not want to discuss?

• What can I do if I become overwhelmed?

Other people may not always agree with your boundaries. Someone may be disappointed that you are leaving early or may question why you are not attending an event. Their disappointment does not necessarily mean that your boundary is unreasonable.

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a way of communicating what is okay for you, what is not okay, and what you are willing or able to participate in. Boundaries can involve time and energy, physical touch and personal space, emotional availability, privacy, communication, money, work, sexual intimacy, and family or friendship relationships.

A boundary is not necessarily an attempt to control another person's behaviour. There is a difference between telling another person what they cannot do and communicating what you will do if a particular behaviour continues.

For example:

“You can't talk to me like that.” is different from: “If the conversation becomes insulting, I am going to step away and we can try again when we are both calmer.”

The second statement focuses on what the person will do to take care of themselves. We cannot always control how another person behaves

, but we can make decisions about what we will participate in.

Healthy boundaries can provide some structure and safety within relationships so that people can remain connected without one person having to give up their own needs or sense of self.

Why can boundaries feel uncomfortable?

For people who have experienced relational trauma, inconsistent caregiving, or relationships where their needs were not consistently respected, setting a boundary may bring up expectations that developed within those relationships.

A person may have learned:

• “If I say no, people will leave.”

• “Other people's feelings are my responsibility.”

• “My needs are too much.”

• “Keeping the peace is safer than speaking up.”

• “If someone is upset with me, I must have done something wrong.”

• “It is safer not to depend on other people.”

These beliefs are not always conscious. They may instead show up through an emotional or physical response. A person may agree to something before they have had time to consider whether they actually want to do it. Someone may freeze when they are asked for something, feel overwhelmed with guilt after saying no, or avoid asking other people for help.

Attachment research has identified relationships between attachment patterns, emotion regulation, and responses to stress. Trauma research has also examined relationships between attachment insecurity, emotion regulation, and post-traumatic responses. This does not mean that everyone who has difficulty setting boundaries has experienced trauma or has an insecure attachment style. Attachment styles are also not fixed personality types.

Instead, attachment can be one way of understanding why certain relationships or situations may bring up strong emotional responses.

Boundaries are not rejection

One of the difficulties with setting boundaries can be the fear that a boundary will negatively affect a relationship. If a person has learned that closeness depends on keeping another person happy, another person's disappointment may feel threatening to the relationship.

However, healthy relationships can include both connection and differences between people. Two people can care about one another and still have different needs, opinions, and boundaries.

You can love someone and disagree with them. You can care about someone and still say no. You can understand why someone is upset without being responsible for changing their feelings. You can need some space without abandoning someone.

In this way, boundaries can support connection. They allow people to remain separate individuals while still being in a relationship with one another.

The difference between a boundary and a wall

Sometimes, after experiencing difficult or harmful relationships, protecting yourself by creating distance can feel safer than remaining open to other people. There is nothing inherently wrong with needing protection. Protective responses often develop for a reason and may have helped a person manage situations that felt unsafe.

A boundary might sound like:

“I am not comfortable discussing that right now.”

A wall might sound like:

“I don't need anyone. I am never going to let anyone get close to me again.”

The purpose of making this distinction is not to say that one response is always healthy and the other is unhealthy. There are situations where significant distance may be necessary for safety.

Instead, it may be useful to consider whether a particular response is helping you develop the type of relationship you want or whether it is primarily protecting you from a danger that may no longer be present.

Trauma-informed care recognizes that many protective strategies developed in response to experiences that required protection. The goal is not necessarily to get rid of these strategies, but to develop additional choices.

You do not have to become good at boundaries overnight

Boundary-setting is a skill, and like other skills, it takes time and practice to develop. If saying no feels overwhelming, it may be helpful to begin with smaller situations.

Instead of immediately responding to a request, you might say:

“Let me think about that and get back to you.”

Instead of providing a long explanation:

“That doesn't work for me.”

If someone is disappointed:

“I understand that you're disappointed. My answer is still no.”

Sometimes one of the first steps in developing boundaries is simply learning to pause. You do not always have to know immediately what your answer is. Taking some time can give you an opportunity to notice what you are feeling, what you need, and whether you actually want to agree to something.

Paying attention to what happens inside you

Boundary work is not only about learning what to say. It can also involve becoming more aware of your own thoughts, emotions, and physical responses.

Before agreeing to something, you might consider:

• Do I actually want to do this?

• Do I have the capacity for this?

• Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I am worried about what will happen if I say no?

• What am I noticing in my body?

• Am I responsible for this situation, or am I taking responsibility for someone else's emotions?

For someone who has spent a significant amount of time focusing on other people's needs, noticing their own needs can initially feel unfamiliar. Some people may have become very good at recognizing when someone else is upset while having difficulty identifying their own feelings or limits.

Learning to notice these things can take time.

Guilt does not necessarily mean that you have done something wrong

One of the things that can make boundary-setting difficult is the guilt that may come after setting a boundary. A person may set a reasonable boundary and still feel that they have done something wrong.

If someone has learned that maintaining relationships requires accommodating other people, choosing their own needs may initially feel uncomfortable. However, feeling guilty does not necessarily mean that the boundary is wrong. Sometimes guilt may simply mean, “This is unfamiliar.”

With time and supportive relationships, it may become possible to experience another person's disappointment without feeling responsible for making that disappointment disappear. A person can be unhappy with you and the relationship can still be okay.

It is also possible to have conflict and repair the relationship afterward. Disagreement does not necessarily mean that a relationship has failed.

Boundaries can be flexible

Healthy boundaries are not necessarily rigid. Different relationships may require different boundaries, and a person's needs and capacity can change over time.

What someone is comfortable doing with a close friend may be different from what they are comfortable doing with a coworker. Capacity can also change depending on responsibilities, work, family, culture, or other circumstances.

The goal is not to develop a perfect set of rules for every relationship. Instead, it may be more helpful to develop greater awareness and choice.

One question that may be useful is:

“What do I need in this relationship for closeness to feel safe, respectful, and sustainable?”

Boundaries and relationships

A boundary does not guarantee that another person will respect it. Sometimes people respond to boundaries with disappointment, anger, pressure, withdrawal, or attempts to negotiate. Their response can provide information about the relationship.

In supportive relationships, people can have different needs and still work through those differences. There can be opportunities to communicate, negotiate, repair after conflict, and find a way forward.

However, if a person's boundaries are repeatedly ignored, mocked, punished, or used against them, the issue may not be that they need to become better at communicating their boundaries. Sometimes the relationship itself may need to be reconsidered.

If setting a boundary could place someone at risk of harm, safety planning and professional support may be more appropriate than simply trying to become more assertive.

You are allowed to have needs

Perhaps one of the deeper parts of learning about boundaries is not simply learning how to say no. It is learning that your needs are important.

You do not have to earn the right to rest. You do not have to justify every feeling. You do not have to be constantly available to show someone that you care about them. You do not have to make yourself smaller so that someone else can remain comfortable.

You can have needs and still care about other people. You can be connected to other people while also maintaining a connection with yourself.

For some people, developing boundaries can become part of a larger process of developing a more secure relationship with themselves and with others. In attachment-informed therapy, the therapeutic relationship can provide an opportunity to explore expectations about relationships and begin developing new ways of relating to others.

A gentle place to begin

If setting boundaries is difficult for you, you do not have to begin with your most difficult relationship. You could start with something small and manageable.

Notice one situation where you find yourself wanting to say yes, no, or “I need some time to think about that.”

Pause and notice what happens inside you.

You might ask yourself:

“What would I choose if I trusted that my needs and the relationship could both matter?”

You may not know the answer right away. That is okay.

Boundary work is not about becoming perfectly assertive or learning to say no to everything. It is about developing more awareness of your own needs, considering the needs of others, and having the ability to make choices that are consistent with your values and your safety.

This can be a gradual process. For people who have spent a long time prioritizing other people's needs, learning to listen to themselves may initially feel uncomfortable. With practice, however, it may become easier to recognize what you need and communicate it to others.

If setting boundaries brings up strong fear, shame, dissociation, or memories of past experiences, working with a trauma-informed therapist may provide a supportive place to explore these responses and practice new ways of relating at a pace that feels manageable and safe.